MARLINS WON’T DIE: BASEBALL’S zombie fish CRASHED SEPTEMBER

Miracle Marlins (Again… Seriously?)

The Miami Marlins have no business still being alive. Let’s start there.

It’s honestly crazy that the Marlins now have 76 wins (with a week left) this season. This season they were predicted to lose 16-20 more games which proves what a hell of a job  That’s about 16-20 more than most people predicted. Honestly it’s been a hell of a job by a young Miami team that has a lot of potential for the future.

Just yesterday with a week left in the season, FanGraphs literally had them at a 0.1% chance to make the playoffs. That’s not “long shot,” that’s “your Uber driver is also playing in the game” odds. But here we are: six straight wins, 10 of their last 11, and the Marlins are somehow four games out of the final Wild Card spot.

The Marlins sitting at 76–80, and while that still screams “lottery team,” context matters.

This young team has done wonders as Miami jumped from 62 wins last year to 76 already. Only the White Sox (+17) and Blue Jays (+16) have had a bigger year-to-year glow-up.

For a roster that everyone predicted would finish last in the NL East, this is the equivalent of pulling up to prom in a rented Lambo.

It shouldn’t be happening, but damn if it isn’t fun to watch.

Baseball’s zombie fishes

Every time you stomp on the Marlins, they don’t die — they just flip you off, swim back to the surface, and ask for another cafecito.

Everybody buried this team in June, fried ‘em in August, and wrote the obituary by early September. A

nd yet… here they are sweeping the defending champ Rangers on their own turf, sending Texas fans to WebMD like: “Do I have Wild Card Elimination?”

The Rangers are spiraling (seven straight L’s) while the Marlins — yes, the Miami freaking Marlins — have turned into baseball’s Jason Voorhees.

Chop their head off? They’re back. Blow up the cabin? Still walking.

They’re the bugs in your kitchen that won’t die. Spray them, stomp them, fumigate them — hell, call Orkin — the Fish still pop up chewing through playoff wires while the Mets sweat bullets about next weekend in Miami.

The Math not mathing

Here’s the insane part: Miami is rocking a -82 run differential.

That number usually means, “Thanks for showing up, enjoy Cancun.” You don’t sniff October with stats like that — unless you’re the Marlins, who are basically running baseball like it’s Opposite Day.

They’re breaking baseball equations like a drunk accountant in Hialeah with three cafecitos in his system and TurboTax on demo mode.

And somehow it’s not just smoke and mirrors.

Since Sept. 10, the Fish have the best record in the NL (10–1). Read that twice.

The pitching staff flipped the script with a 2.60 ERA and 1.03 WHIP — third-best in baseball. Eury Pérez? The kid looks like someone created a 99-overall custom player in MLB The Show and forgot to nerf him. The 22-year-old struck out nine in four scoreless innings Sunday, stretching his scoreless streak to nine.

Even the bullpen — the bullpen! — decided to RSVP to the miracle party.

George Soriano, who walked into Arlington with an 8.55 ERA, casually threw 12 pitches and grabbed his first save of the year like Mariano Rivera cosplayed in a Marlins jersey. You can’t make this up.

Catcher History: Pudge Smiling Somewhere

Meanwhile the Marlins are generating offense from their catcher!

Agustín Ramírez is quietly cooking history on the side. His double Sunday gave him 55 extra-base hits this season, tying Iván “Pudge” Rodríguez for the most by a catcher in franchise history.

That’s not just a stat, that’s franchise lore.

Pudge was the guy in 2003, chest-pounding his way to a title. Now Ramírez is out here channeling that energy in a season nobody saw coming. The ghost of Pudge is probably sipping cafecito in Little Havana, nodding in approval.

And it’s not just Ramírez. Xavier Edwards stole two bases and scored Sunday, Otto Lopez drove in his 77th RBI (most by a Marlins middle infielder since Starlin Castro), and Graham Pauley tripled to spark the insurance run. The whole lineup is playing like they didn’t get the memo about being eliminated.

aint that a fish’

The Marlins are four games back of the Wild Card, holding tiebreakers over the Reds and Mets, and somehow still breathing. Six games left: three in Philly against the NL East champs, then home for a Mets series that might as well be a Hunger Games play-in.

This isn’t supposed to be happening. The math hates them. The odds hate them. Even common sense is outside with a “Do Not Resuscitate” sign. But baseball doesn’t run on logic — it runs on chaos, cafecito, and cockroaches that refuse to die.

So if you’re a Marlins fan? Enjoy the nonsense.

Buy the rally magnet on the 28th. Light a veladora for Luis Arraez’s batting average. Sacrifice a Publix sub to Jobu. Whatever it takes.

Because if Miami actually pulls this off, history won’t remember “0.1% odds.” It’ll remember “Marlins Crash October Like They Always Do — Drunk, Late, and Somehow Alive.”