TOM BRADY CLONED HIS DOG — & MAYBE HIMSELF

Let me start by saying: cloning your dog isn’t “normal rich guy behavior.”

That’s borderline Bond villain behavior, right?

First of all it’s cool as f**k, regardless of the “skepticism of it. I always imagined just breeding my Pitbulls and having them live vicariously through their offspring, but what Tom Brady did was next level. Brady cloned his dog, and it got me thinking….did he might’ve cloned his whole damn self this entire time right?

Like Doakes, I just can’t prove it.

But I also can’t prove he didn’t.

THE “SCIENCE” (IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT)

Let’s look at it like this, how was Brady, (obviously not because of hard work and God given talent that he cultivated into becoming the greatest quarterback, s**t, I mean player of all time for that matter) able to survive in the NFL for so long?

This would just make the most sense, right?

Each year, Brady would just pull out one of his clones to play a few games…s**t probably the entire season. What other explanation do you have for a man winning seven Super Bowls?

None other than the “TB12 Regeneration Program.” They’re allegedly using a mix of electrolytes, the tears from Dolphins fans being torched, and pureed avocado to produce new Bradys every few months.

It’s the only explanation for why the man keeps de-aging like he’s on a skincare deal with time itself.
You ever seen a 47-year-old with cheekbones that sharp? That’s lab work. That’s scaffolding. That’s Clone Brady v6.2

There’s this terrible sports movie — you haven’t seen it, and I envy you for that, because it’s a waste of time to say the nicest compliment possible— where an 8-time Super Bowl champ named Isiah White (clearly a “Black Tom Brady”) trains a young QB who’s obviously Mahomes in disguise.

At the climax, White reveals his secret: he’s been using blood from every GOAT before him in football — to build the ultimate hybrid athlete.

When I saw that, I didn’t laugh. I chuckled at the movie and whispered, to my date “Wait a damn minute.”

Because that’s exactly how Brady played like….As if someone mixed Joe Montana’s poise, Peyton’s brain, and a Terminator’s emotional range — then threw in one bad divorce for seasoning (it happens to the best of us champ! I think you should’ve kept playing as long as you wanted).

         2001 Brady: baby-faced Michigan kid with a flip phone.

         2015 Brady: jawline sharp enough to slice cheese.

         2019 Brady: upgraded firmware, new smile algorithm, slightly reduced empathy settings.

         2023 Brady: retires, un-retires, launches underwear line, looks like an NPC in a luxury metaverse.

Every few years, the man’s face shifts like an Apple product. “Now sleeker! Now with fewer carbs!”

ABOUT THAT DOG…

The man cloned his dog.

That’s not “aww cute,” that’s the test run. The dog was Prototype 1.0. A warm-up for self-replication. If “Scooby Brady” starts throwing spirals, I’m moving to Canada.

Maybe it’s all nonsense.

Maybe Tom Brady’s just the most disciplined human alive.

Or maybe — and hear me out — every time he “retires,” they unfreeze a new one, upload last season’s memories, and send him back to the Hamptons like Mission: Impossible.

Either way, I’m not betting against the clone.

Because even if the rest of us die, Brady 9.0 will still be somewhere in a lab, eating kale dust and watching film of himself being perfect.

Somewhere, Brady’s lining up a new NFL contract.

Either he cloned himself, or…hear me out…

He’s just the undisputed GOAT, you decide.