DE’VON ACHANE IS THE BEST PLAYER ON EARTH & I WILL NOT BE TAKING QUESTIONS

Listen. I’m done pretending to be a normal human about this. De’Von Achane isn’t just a running back. He isn’t just fast. He isn’t just “a weapon.”

He is a cosmic event. A meteor strike with shoulder pads. A glitch in the NFL matrix sent to Miami to restore my faith in God, football, and the Dolphins’ playoff scenarios. I’m saying this respectfully, professionally, and academically:

DE’VON ACHANE IS HIM.

Full font. All caps. Bold. Italics. Neon pink.

Not “himity.”

Not “hemoglobin.”

Not “Hermès.”

HIM.

From Week 9 to Week 13, he didn’t just lead the league in rushing, HE POSSESSED IT LIKE A DEMON.

495 rushing yards.

630 total yards.

6.3 yards per carry.

And Miami’s entire offense in that stretch can basically be summarized as:

“Give the ball to the fast little motherfker before something bad happens.”

McDaniel sees it too. When asked about Achane, he literally said:

“I hadn’t really had a player like him exactly… the game is really slow for him” said Mike McDaniel.

Slow for him.

Fast as hell for everybody else.

Biblical for me.

ACHANE TURNED THE DOLPHINS OFFENSE INTO A RELIGION

You ever watch Achane hit the hole and genuinely ask yourself if the cameraman is okay? That’s what this season has become. Miami’s offense is duct tape, hope, prayers, and Achane being God’s fastest soldier.

He runs like the defense insulted his mother.

He runs like the IRS is behind him.

He runs like he’s trying to catch a Spirit Airlines flight and the gate is closing.

And the O-line? They know the truth. They literally talk like they’ve been watching a Marvel character in practice:

“He’s a sight… it finally just broke like it has been breaking right now… it’s amazing” said Aaron Brewer.

The man said “a sight.”

SIGHT.

Like they watching a religious apparition.

Even Tua, who is fighting for his statistical life right now, keeps looking at Achane like he’s the one stable thing in the universe:

“It’s second nature to De’Von… that’s who he is. It looks like a negative-two loss, then he makes it an eight-yard gain” said Tua Tagovailoa.

This team knows what’s up.

Put the ball in Achane’s hands and get the hell out of the way.

MIKE MCDANIEL STRUCK OIL AND CAN’T EVEN HIDE IT

McDaniel doesn’t even bother lying anymore. He straight-up told the world Achane is different:

“He was never taking hits directly… that’s a skill. He’s trying to be great” said McDaniel.

That’s coach-speak for “holy sh*t I got one.”

He knows it.

We know it.

Defenses DEFINITELY know it.

Darren Waller came back from injury, and even Waddle is like:

“They know he’s out there.”

Because Achane on the field bends the laws of physics AND coverages. And the linemen? They play like men possessed because:

“We know if we block one guy for him, he’ll make the other guy miss” said McDaniel.

That’s the Dolphins’ playbook right now.

Block one.

Achane handles the rest.

He’s 24.

He’s on a rookie deal.

And he’s about to get the kind of extension that makes accountants faint.

Pay him.

Pay him now.

Let him sign the f**king godfather contract he can’t refuse in the middle of I-95 at rush hour so the whole city can see.

THE FUTURE IS ANXIETY, BUT ACHANE IS THE BLUEPRINT

Miami might be on the doorstep of a soft rebuild.

Big decisions are coming.

Money is tight.

The roster is aging in spots.

Tua’s future is a debate.

Tyreek’s contract is a bomb ready to go off.

But Achane?

Achane is untouchable. A foundational piece. The one dude you keep even if the entire franchise collapses into Biscayne Bay.

He is the identity.

He is the engine.

He is the optimism.

And on a team where half the offense is hurt, the passing game is asleep, and the quarterback is spiritually speed-running therapy exercises on the sideline…Achane is the thing keeping the whole goddamn operation alive.

He’s the hope. The spark. The “we might actually pull this off” in human form. He’s the reason Miami, somehow, stupidly, hilariously, is still in the playoff hunt.

And you’re damn right I’m believing.