The Miami Hurricanes Ended This Game When Free Empanadas Were Announced

“THE RESULT WAS GOOD. THE PROCESS WAS NOT.” (AND JAI LUCAS WAS PISSED ANYWAY)

You know you’re in for a good afternoon when the game starts with an alley-oop and ends with free empanadas.

Tre Donaldson opened the game by tossing an alley to Ernest Udeh Jr. like he was personally offended UL Monroe thought this might be competitive.

One possession in, dunk. Tone set. Crowd woke up. Watsco Center immediately smelled like points and pastry.

And no, that wasn’t an accident.

“My biggest thing as a point guard, as a leader, is just knowing the team we have,” Donaldson said after. “Just trying to continue to keep that pace, because that’s what we’re at our best at.”

Miami didn’t come out trying to win.

They came out trying to assert dominance.

The Canes jumped out 9–0 before UL Monroe could even find the Wi-Fi password. And once the scoreboard flashed that Miami only needed 80 points for free empanadas from Grazianno’s, the game was effectively over.

That wasn’t a promotion. That was a countdown clock.

The only real suspense was whether Miami would hit triple digits before halftime or just casually stroll there later like adults with jobs.

They chose the stroll.

But the vibes? Absolutely reckless.

UL Monroe actually played hard. MJ Russell and Krystian Lewis were making this (or at least, trying to make this a contest) combining for 34 points and seven threes, and the Warhawks shot 47 percent from deep.

On paper, that’s the recipe to make things annoying.

In reality, Miami said “that’s cute” and kept scoring anyway.

“We just wanted to hang around,” said ULM’s coach Phil Cunningham. “And then eventually they’re gonna overwhelm you with talent and wear you down.”

Correct, Miami did exactly that.

Malik Reneau continued his season-long campaign of quietly murdering the opponents frontcourts. Reneau went nuclear once again dropping yet another big game of 22 points and 10 rebounds on 10-of-15 shooting in only 25 minutes of game action.

No heat checks, just straight business.

Efficient. Ruthless. HR-approved violence.

Shelton Henderson was on his bully early too, scoring nine points on 4-of-5 shooting before getting hurt. That felt like the moment where a normal team might wobble.

Miami did not wobble. Miami said “oh, okay” and handed Tre Donaldson the keys.

Donaldson finished with another double double on the season. Donaldson finished with 18 points, 11 assists, and six rebounds, controlling the game like a DJ who refuses to play anyone’s weak a** requests. The Hurricanes meanwhile, shared the rock, like Deku with One For All as Miami piled up 27 assists on 42 made shots, turning the offense into a group project where everyone got an A.

“A team full of really good guys,” Donaldson said. “Just capitalizing on getting people the ball in the right areas” said donaldson. 

And yet, despite Miami shooting 60 percent from the field, grabbing 15 offensive rebounds, and dropping 104 points, head coach Jai Lucas looked like someone keyed his car.

“He just expects more from us,” Udeh said. “Even though you’re going 99 percent, it’s not good enough.”

Lucas later made that extremely clear.

“The result is good, but the process of getting the result was not good,” he said. “We pride ourselves on being a defensive team, and we were not that today.”

He wasn’t wrong because UL Monroe scored 62 points in the paint and made 15 threes, numbers that make defensive coordinators wake up in cold sweats. Miami won comfortably, but Lucas hated how easy it felt.

Which is objectively hilarious considering the score.

Still, when Miami decided it was time to actually end this thing, they did it the modern way.

Enter Timotej Malovec, checking in like a Wi-Fi extender with range.

Malovec went 4-for-7 from three, finished with 12 points and seven assists, and single-handedly removed any remaining delusion that UL Monroe might make this weird. Every shot felt like a “nah, we’re done here” button.

One possession of hope.

Delete.

Next.

UL Monroe’s coach summed it up perfectly.

“They collapse you in the paint, they score 62 points in the paint,” he said. “And when they spray it out and make shots, they’re hard to guard.”

Miami out-rebounded ULM 45–26, lived in the paint, and still had enough shooting to break spirits. They didn’t need chaos. They created control.

And people around the country are noticing.

“I spent 13 years in the SEC,” ULM’s coach said. “I’ve seen good teams. They’re impressive. They’re doing it the right way.”

Free empanadas secured.

Another home win stacked.

Another hundred-burger dropped.

And somehow, the head coach is still mad.

Which honestly might be the most encouraging part of all of this.