Miami Dolphins Survival Kit: Week 2 Edition

If you’re anything like me, then congratulations because we’re both dying for a shot — literally and figuratively — after NFL’s Week 1.

The Miami Dolphins got pantsed in Indianapolis, 33–8, where Tua Tagovailoa gift-wrapped turnovers and Mike McDaniel pretended De’Von Achane didn’t exist. Meanwhile, New England lost a snoozer to the Raiders, 20–13, where rookie QB Drake Maye threw it 46 freakin’ times.

Dolphins head coach McDaniel said,

 

“Week 2 is generally a big week where you can see a lot of improvement.”

Cool quote. But nobody’s ordering shots for empty words.

It’s time to pour up a real game plan — for this week’s edition of the Miami Dolphins Survival Kit, served with drinks.

Chug the Piña, Slam the Espresso, Save the Dolphins; Keys to victory 

Piña Colada – Make Achane the Star, Not a Garnish

Use De’Von Achane! Remember that starting running back that actually makes plays? He’s available, he’s ready, and he’s basically the Piña Colada of your offense: smooth, refreshing, and deadly if ignored.

Achane averaged 7.9 yards per carry last week… but only got seven touches. Seven! That’s like buying a Piña Colada and someone drinks half before you even get a sip. Criminal. Give him 15+ touches, control the clock, keep the defense guessing, and let your run game be the sweet, creamy engine of Miami’s offense.

What we learned: ignoring Achane kills momentum faster than a melted umbrella in your drink. This week, more touches = more chances to dominate, stir things up, and leave the Pats reaching for napkins.

Espresso Shot – This ain’t starbucks, wake up!! 

Miami’s defense rolled into Indy looking like they slept through their alarm — zero turnovers, one sack.

Meanwhile, for New England, Maye threw 46 passes like he was trying to break the world record for Most Passes Before Nap Time.

What we learned: Dozing QBs live, awake QBs die… or at least throw interceptions. Blitz like your coffee depends on it. Disguise, hit him early, wake up before the Pats get cozy… because no one wants their brains steeped like cold brew.

Heineken – Spread It Out or Pay the Tab

The Dolphins have got to find a way to help Tua spread the field, keep it fresh, and don’t hoard it like someone guarding the last beer at a tailgate.

Tua can’t force YOLO passes into double coverage, and Hill and Waddle need efficient touches, not cardio chaos.

What we learned: Last week’s forced throws = turnovers. Smart distribution keeps the offense in control… and prevents your bartender from shaking their head in shame.

Tequila Shot – Go Big, No Chaser

Pick your moments, but go all in.

Stretch the field, or Landry turns Tua into a human piñata. Hill and Waddle need 2–3 deep looks to open up the offense — otherwise it’s just sad little sips instead of a full shot.

And someone get Tyreek a 30-yard bomb! 

What we learned: Failure to stretch = defenses teeing off. Take your tequila shot: loud, bold, and unforgettable.

Water – Boring, But You Won’t Spill It

Simple. Necessary. Unsexy.

Protect the ball. Get stops on defense. Complete simple plays.

Last week: three turnovers from Tua, four total from Miami. Punts may be boring, but boring beats handing Maye a short field… or crying into your cocktail. Hydrate, stay sharp, repeat.

What we learned: Discipline = control. Sometimes the smartest play is the one you don’t make — like not finishing the whole bottle before kickoff.

Why This Matters (Quick Reality Check)

• Miami Offense vs. Colts: Tua 14/23, 114 yds, 2 INTs, 1 fumble. Achane: 7 carries, 55 yds, 1 TD. He got fewer touches than your coffee order.

• Miami Defense vs. Colts: 82 tackles, 1 sack, 0 turnovers. Indy scored every other drive.

• Patriots Recap: Drake Maye: 30/46, 287 yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, 4 sacks. Harold Landry: 2.5 sacks, 3 TFL. New England formula: slow choke, dink-and-dunk, wait for mistakes.

Bold Call & Prediction

Follow the Survival Kit — Piña Colada runs, Espresso wake-up, Heineken spacing, Tequila deep shots, Water discipline — and Miami flips the script.

 

Bold Call: Miami forces two turnovers off Maye.

Prediction: Dolphins 24, Patriots 17.

Pour the Piña Colada, slam the espresso, keep the water close.

If McDaniel ignores Achane again… we’ll all be crying into tequila shots by halftime.