INTER MIAMI IS ABOUT TO COOK…LET’S TALK ABOUT IT.

If you’re a Vancouver Whitecaps fan… I’m gonna be honest with you:

Saturday might get ugly.

Not because Vancouver’s bad, they’re actually a pretty annoyingly solid team but because Inter Miami are rolling into MLS Cup like a team that already shipped the trophy to Miami and everyone is just showing up to collect the delivery.

Every stat, every vibe, every ounce of cosmic energy is in Miami’s favor right now. It’s like the soccer gods took one look at this postseason and said:

“Yeah Messi, go run that.”

Let’s start with the obvious: Miami’s offense hasn’t just been good,  it’s been federal-investigation levels of illegal.

2.02 expected goals per game on the season. That means Miami doesn’t just create chances, they manufacture danger like it’s a South Florida export. Customs could never.

Then there’s Messi.

Good lord has the man been insane in the city.

The Messi signing, and now re-signing might be one of the best in the history of South Florida Sports.

The man is 38 playing like he’s on a two-week trial for a new Barcelona contract.

Sixty-one goal contributions. Twenty-nine goals, nineteen assists, and another THIRTEEN in the playoffs. THIRTEEN!!! That’s not a “run of form.” That’s a war crime. Vancouver should genuinely consider hiring extra security just to handle Messi’s left foot.

And next to him?

Tadeo Allende — the man who wakes up, ties his shoes, and casually produces 1.0+ xG in every playoff game like he’s brushing his teeth.

Twenty-three goals this season. Eight in the postseason — tying the MLS record.

Just think of how insane it is to have a tie an MLS postseason scoring record while sharing a pitch with f**king Lionel Messi? That’s like being the hottest person at the Met Gala while standing next to Zendaya.

Meanwhile, Vancouver fans keep talking about Thomas Müller like he’s about to turn back the clock and walk into the stadium and perform tactical f**king witchcraft. And yeah, he’s been good, really damn good with 13 goal contributions in fewer than 1,000 minutes. Cute. Nice production. Very nifty.

But brother, respectfully…

this is Lionel Andrés Messi on the other side of the field.

You don’t walk into Hard Rock Stadium (yes I know it’s DRV PNK, but it’s all Miami) and out-“experience” the most experienced human on Earth.

And speaking of experience, Miami’s defense has decided to stop being chaotic and start being elite. Four of their last five opponents held under 1.0 xG. The unit is locked in. Organized. Disrespectful, even.

Then there’s Rocco Ríos Novo, the man Vancouver will meet in their nightmares. Saved 2.6 more goals than expected. You know how insane that is?

That’s the difference between winning a playoff game and tweeting “ggs” at midnight while stress-eating cold empanadas.

Despite all this, the Whitecaps keep clinging to one stat like a security blanket: their precious 99 attacking-third tackles, most in MLS.

Okay! Cute little press!

Now go press Messi. Go press Allende. Go press Suarez. Go press Busquets when he feels like turning into 2015 Busquets for 12 minutes at a time.

Miami lives in the press. Miami thrives in chaos.

It’s Not a Final,  It’s a Miami Coronation

You want to send bodies forward?

Cool. Enjoy Tadeo Allende burning your backline like a Miami roof tile in August.

Vancouver does have one legitimate weapon: set pieces. 0.42 xG per game on dead balls. Fair. Respect. That’s actually dangerous…

…until you realize Miami haven’t even BEEN giving up those dumb, cheap fouls anymore. This is the most grown-up version of Inter Miami we’ve ever seen. They’re defending like they know there’s a trophy at the end.

And look, I’ll give Vancouver their credit. Balanced squad, tons of minutes logged, tons of depth, clinical on restarts. They’re a beautifully coached nuisance.

But Miami?

Miami is destiny. Miami is chaos. Miami is Messi playing like he’s trying to buy a fifth waterfront mansion. Miami is Allende deciding this is his world now. Miami is a city that wins things out of sheer spite and vibes.

And on Saturday, Miami isn’t walking into a final.

Miami is walking into a coronation.

Vancouver is a great team.

But this is MLS Cup 2025, and Messi didn’t turn MLS into a Disney movie just to hand over the happy ending to the Vancouver Whitecaps.