MESSI’S DRIP IS OUT OF CONTROL AND SO IS INTER MIAMi

Lionel Messi stepped outside in Miami this week dressed like a PE coach who won seven state titles and two custody battles, rocking shorts that absolutely came from a lost-and-found bin last touched in 2003, an Adidas jacket that basically says “I own Brickell, Biscayne, and your favorite lunch spot,” and these new pink Adidas so bright they look like they were forged in a nuclear reactor under DRV PNK Stadium.

Funny enough Messi could walk down the street on Brickell and show up wearing a Publix apron and would still have Miami in a chokehold.

But here’s the part that breaks my brain: while looking like he’s headed to Publix to grab a chicken tender sub and maybe some paper towels, Messi casually tied Cristiano Ronaldo’s record for 45+ goals in 11 different calendar years.

Let me repeat that: ELEVEN YEARS.

Messi has been terrorizing net-minding professionals longer than TikTok has existed. He’s basically speedrunning life at this point while the rest of us are fighting for parking at Walmart.

MESSI JUST BREAKS RECORDS BETWEEN ERRANDS

During this most recent Argentina match?

The man hit:

    115 goals for Argentina

    187 international caps

    And an assist to Lautaro Martínez so perfect you could hang it in a museum

Argentina played Angola like it was a casual Sunday scrimmage before brunch reservations. Messi scored, assisted, jogged off the field, and probably checked his phone to see if he had a package waiting from Amazon.

At 38 years old, he’s giving full “father-of-three stopping at Home Depot for grill supplies” energy with Ballon d’Or-level output. He shouldn’t still be this good. Nobody should still be this good. You’re not supposed to run the sport into your late 30s — unless your name starts with Lionel and ends with Messi and your career is basically a Marvel storyline.

INTER MIAMI HAS ONE PLAN: “GIVE MESSI THE BALL AND PRAY”

Now he’s back with Inter Miami, who are storming into the playoffs like a bunch of criminals released on technicalities. Nashville walked into the series thinking they had a chance. Miami responded by treating them like training cones.

Messi basically played all 22 positions in that series:

        scored twice

        assisted twice

        pressed like he was 25

        walked off looking like he didn’t break a sweat

This isn’t “old superstar coasting on vibes.” This is Messi running the whole operation like he’s CEO of Miami Footy Enterprises LLC.

Mascherano has this squad playing like Barcelona 2015 — but with more humidity, worse haircuts, and significantly fewer tax issues. The structure is real. The swagger is real. And the goals? Endless.

Up next: FC Cincinnati. And supposedly… they’re the ones who might “slow Messi down.”

Brother, Messi’s biggest threat isn’t Cincinnati. Messi’s biggest threat is Miami traffic on I-95.

Cincy is just the next body on the schedule, another team destined to be sacrificed on the altar of GOAT behavior. To beat Miami, Cincinnati would need:

     divine intervention

     two Messis of their own

     and maybe a Category 4 hurricane named ‘St. Joseph of Don’t-Let-Leo-Score’

And even then? Messi would still drop a goal and an assist while adjusting his oversized shorts and tying his neon laces.

THE LAST DANCE? OR JUST CHAPTER 400?

Barcelona wants to build Messi a statue.

Argentina wants another World Cup.

Inter Miami wants a parade down Biscayne Boulevard.

Messi? Messi wants… whatever the hell he wants. And someone, somewhere, is going to make it happen.

This is his league. His city. His entire universe. And the rest of us? We’re just innocent bystanders watching him walk outside in outfits that shouldn’t work — but somehow do.

Long live the drip. Long live the GOAT. Long live the chaos.

Inter Miami’s playoff run has officially entered Messi Mode — and everyone else is screwed.