LIONEL MESSI SCORES GOAL NO. 892, MLS RECORD NO. 40…& NONE OF IT mattered cause INTER MIAMI GOT HOSED IN NASHVILLE

Inter Miami took a 2-1 L to Nashville in Game 2 of the MLS Playoffs.

What’s crazy is that, Lionel Messi is out here doing divine s**t, and he’s not being rewarded for it. Messi scored his 892nd career goal, his 40th of the calendar year, and guess what he did….broke yet another motherf**king MLS record.

With that goal, Messi’s got 6 goals in 3 matches, and he’s dragging a team with 47 hamstrings, zero tactics, and STILL this man has to watch it all go up in smoke because of a brain-dead coach, a disaster-class referee crew, and a defense softer than Publix birthday cake.

And now? Miami needs Game 3 just to stay alive….

…AGAIN.

Messi THE GOAT — AND THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOWED UP

Let’s start with the only reason Miami had a pulse: Messi’s 89th-minute rocket into the top corner. Man was pissed off, soaked to the bone in sideways Tennessee rain, and said “fine, I’ll do it myself.”

He’s now:

The first MLS player ever to hit 40 goals in a calendar year across all comps

The all-time leader in G/A in knockout games (237)

Sitting on 159 knockout goals, 78 assists, and a fanbase praying for a miracle Saturday night

And what does he get for it?

A team that goes down 2-0 by halftime because Luis Suarez defends like a retired Uber driver and Rocco Rios Novo slides in like he’s trying to tag a base, not stop a penalty.

On a related note, Suárez shouldn’t start another match this season. He can’t press, can’t cover, can’t defend. He walks like his knees owe child support.

Rios Novo? Bro slid into that penalty challenge like he was stealing second base.

And the defense? It’s not even defense. It’s an interpretive dance routine themed “Missed Assignments & Pain.”

That’s not a playoff team. That’s a bunch of tired men hoping Leo fixes it.

MASCHERANO IS NOT A COACH. HE’S A PYLON IN TRACKSUIT FORM.

Meanwhile, Javier Mascherano out here acting like he’s playing FIFA Manager Mode with his eyes closed. Because what exactly is the tactical plan?

Give Messi the ball and pray?

The lineup hasn’t changed in weeks. The system hasn’t evolved since Leo landed. Suarez keeps starting. Our midfield is vibes and prayer. And the defensive scheme looks like someone yelled “Scatter!” and everyone panicked.

Mascherano blamed the refs, said six minutes of extra time wasn’t enough.

“Perhaps if Leo’s goal had come with more minutes left to play…”

BOSS.

Your team had a putrid no shots on goal in the first half (think about that for a second). Keep in mind the only reason this game ended 2-1 is because Messi…did Messi things and went nuclear (reason No. 3443843814 he’s the GOAT).

Maybe stop crying about the clock and fix your back line.

Also, no, we’re not gonna let you slide for this gem:

“We must swallow the poison… keep it inside all week long… and release it at home.”

You’re not Batman, brother.

You’re coaching an MLS team that lost to Josh Bauer.

Relax.

RIGGED? REFS? ABSOLUTELY.

Let’s talk about it.

This entire postseason has felt like a coordinated effort to get Messi the hell outta here. I’m not saying Don Garber made a call, but Inter Miami has been officiated like they pissed in a priest’s coffee.

Tonight:

Penalty against Rios Novo that should’ve been reviewed on VAR — wasn’t.

Josh Bauer scores off a set piece where everyone in pink fell asleep.

Mascherano begs for more stoppage time — gets a yellow card.

All for that it’s insane that somehow Nashville gets to walk off the field with a win in a game where Messi was the only adult on the field.

SO NOW WHAT?

Game 3 is Saturday.

Back in Miami. Rain or shine. This is a must-win or the season ends with Messi having carried this team like a backpack through an active war zone — for nothing.

If Mascherano starts Suárez again? Fire him.

If the defense doesn’t shape up? Bench them all.

If the refs show up like this again? Someone needs to get fined.

Miami deserves better. Messi deserves better and South Florida sure as hell deserves one last night of magic before we riot.

The greatest to ever do it just put up a historic performance…

…and we let it drown in tactical confusion and bad officiating.

We better fix this shit by Game 3.

Or we’re all gonna be swallowing poison on the couch with Mascherano, watching someone else lift the Cup.