Miami Dolphins Mt. Rushmore of Misery Should Be on South Beach

Miami Dolphins fans don’t need horror movies — we buy season tickets instead. Every fall it’s the same script: September looks like this is the year, and then boom — the rug gets yanked harder than a folding chair at a WWE match.

And now? Thanks to one ridiculous Sunday in 2023 where Miami dropped 70 on the Broncos, we might have a brand-new demon haunting Hard Rock: The 70-Point Curse.

Because ever since that video game stat line, the Dolphins have gone from looking like Madden on rookie mode to playing like they accidentally left the controller unplugged.

First, a 33-8 beatdown from the Colts that felt like they were running Oklahoma drills on air.

 

Then a 33-27 choke job vs the Patriots, where Tua tossed 315 yards and 2 TDs but still walked off like he just got scammed

by a parking meter app.

 

And then Buffalo once again contiued theird dominance beating miami on a primetime amazon nfl thursday night 31-21. turning the curse talk into a full-blown episode of Ghost Hunters: AFC East Edition.

This isn’t “bad luck.”

This is Miami’s brand. A franchise so cursed it makes Scooby-Doo villains look like motivational speakers.

Let’s break down the Dolphins’ ever-growing Curse Collection™: past, present, and whatever new hex the football gods are cooking up after that 70-burger.

Haunted by ’72 & Humbled by Everyone Since

1972 was beautiful. 17-0.

The only perfect season in NFL history. Don Shula, Mercury Morris, Larry Csonka — legends. And the Dolphins haven’t let anyone forget it either, busting out champagne every year like your aunt celebrating Dry January.

It’s a cute tradition. It’s also a terrible omen. Because since hoisting the Lombardi in ’73, Miami hasn’t sniffed another. Five decades of champagne toasts… and hangovers with no titles.

The perfect season has turned into the franchise’s ultimate flex and its biggest curse. It’s like your uncle who won a beer pong tourney in college and still brings it up every Thanksgiving. Awesome, bro. But maybe it’s time to add a new story to the résumé.

Dan Marino’s Ghost Is Still Better Than Half Our QBs

Then came Marino — the greatest Dolphin of all time. 61,000 yards, 420 touchdowns, MVP, nine Pro Bowls. Dude turned the 80s and 90s Dolphins into a passing fireworks show. And what did the front office give him? A supporting cast that crumbled faster than a South Beach condo inspection.

When Marino walked away in ’99, the ghost chase started. Since then, Miami’s lined up over 20 quarterbacks like speed-dating contestants, each one worse than the last. None of them have sniffed Marino’s production, let alone taken Miami to the mountaintop.

The curse isn’t Dan himself,  it’s the obsession with replacing him.

Every QB since has been judged against Marino’s shadow, and every miss just makes the ghost louder. For the first time this season, Tua looked sharp against New England (26-of-32, 315 yards), but with five sacks, a pick, and another L, the Marino comparisons are still screaming like it’s 1995. Then Tagovailoa had another subpar performance in Buffalo where he threw another pick and finished the game with an 81.2 passer rating. 

December in Miami: Mariah Carey Defrosts & Dolphins Melt

Here’s another one the media never fails to bring up to throw shade — snowballs, to be exact — at the Dolphins.

Miami falls apart in December like clockwork. From 2013 to 2022, the Dolphins went 15–28 in December games.

That’s not a slump, that’s a holiday tradition.

Fans joke about Mariah Carey thawing every December, but in Miami it’s defenses thawing instead. If Week 2’s defensive showing against rookie Drake Maye (19/23, 230 yards, 2 TDs) is any preview, this curse isn’t going away anytime soon. Tua literally threw for 146 yards against Buffalo in Week 3 and did not look any better. 

We call it the Collapse Curse. Doesn’t matter who’s coaching or who’s quarterback — when the calendar flips to December, Miami turns into a pumpkin. Playoff spots slip away, late-season hype evaporates, and fans get another stocking full of heartbreak.

That’s a Grinchmas tradition with a teal-and-orange sack of coal.

From 70 Burger to MCdaniel’s Dollar Menu

And now, the freshest pain.

On September 24, 2023, Miami dropped 70 on Denver — the most points the league had seen since 1966. For a moment, it felt like a coronation. The offense was unstoppable. Tua, Tyreek, Waddle, Achane —  did these video game numbers doom the Dolphins?

 

Miami is 9–10 in their last 19 games.

 

The Broncos, the team that got embarrassed, actually bounced back with a better record and a +88 point differential.

 

Miami? Sitting on a -23 differential since.

So yeah, the viral highlight that made the Dolphins look like the future of football might’ve actually cursed them into mediocrity. Denver healed. Miami spiraled.

Week 2 against New England, the curse was loud. Tua played clean for three quarters, but pressure broke him late. Achane’s near-TD was called back because he barely stepped out of bounds (“my foot was out” he admitted). Malik Washington’s punt return touchdown was instantly erased by Antonio Gibson’s 90-yard kick return. One step forward, one step back.

Meanwhile week 3 against Buffalo, it was screaming!  

It’s the football version of peaking in college — yeah, you were the man at 21, but what’s the story now?

Miami’s Mount Rushmore of Misery

1. The Perfect Season Curse → 50 years, no ring since. The ultimate “peaked-in-high-school” flex. Every September
   feels like Miami’s just trying to recreate prom night.
   
   

2. The Marino Curse → 25 years of quarterback purgatory. Dan throws for 61,000 yards, retires, and the Dolphins answer with a parade of QBs who make fans beg for the Chad Pennington era back.
   
   

3. The December Collapse Curse → Miami’s annual holiday tradition. Everyone else gets Mariah Carey defrosting; Dolphins fans get a 15–28 stretch that murders playoff hopes faster than eggnog with cheap rum.
   
   

4. The 70-Point Curse → The rookie of the curse class. Born the second McDaniel flexed with a Madden score against the Broncos. Ever since, Miami’s been cursed with looking like the TikTok team, not the playoff team.

The first two? Legacy curses.

They define eras, like Marino’s golden arm and Shula’s champagne flute. The December Collapse? That’s a yearly advent calendar of pain. And the 70-Point Curse? That’s the coach’s curse — born out of hubris — where McDaniel’s masterpiece might’ve actually cursed the franchise harder than a witch doctor in Little Havana.

The Bottom Line

At this point, Dolphins football isn’t about breaking curses — it’s about picking which one you wanna pin the L on after each Sunday. Marino’s ghost? The Perfect Season hangover? December meltdowns? Or the shiny new 70-Point Curse that feels like a bad tattoo after a Vegas weekend?

Even Tua summed it up perfectly after the Patriots game: 

 

“The operation was not up to standard.”

No kidding, brother. The “operation” has been off-standard since the Clinton administration.

The fix isn’t rocket science. Win something. Literally anything. End the drought, steal a playoff win for the first time since Y2K was a thing, maybe even sniff a deep run. That’s the only way to exorcise these ghosts and shut everybody up.

Until then, Dolphins fans are stuck playing Curse Bingo every fall — waiting to see if it’s Marino, the Perfect Season, December choke jobs, or McDaniel’s 70-point flex haunting us this time.

And after Week 2’s 33–27 heartbreak? Let’s be real — the house is still haunted.