THE CANES DIDN’T JUST BEAT ELON — THEY PERFORMED A BASKETBALL EXORCISM AT THE WATSCO

Before we get into the disrespectful, borderline-illegal basketball performance that happened Thursday night, let’s set the scene properly:

Miami walked into Watsco coming off a Florida loss that annoyed them so badly you would’ve thought the Gators personally stole their per diem and unplugged the shooting machine on their way out.

The building was buzzing, Sebastian the Ibis was celebrating his 67th birthday like a Miami uncle on his third Presidente, and Jai Lucas had that look in his eye coaches get when they’ve been stewing on film for 72 straight hours.

On another note, imagine how many times they said this meme and multiply it by three.

Then tip-off happened, and everything got violent in a basketball sense.

The Miami Hurricanes didn’t just bounce back from that Florida loss, they spun the block like Kendrick Lamar in Good Kid Mad City wearing their ski masks driving around in Grandma’s minivan, kicked the door down, and baptized Elon 99–72 in front of God, Sebastian the Ibis, and several families who probably expected a normal Thursday night.

This wasn’t a game.

This was a public service announcement, that the Canes are for real.

And Elon? They got the message in ALL CAPS.

Honestly, it wasn’t a game. It was a Miami PSA: “If you see us on your schedule, stretch your hamstrings and call your mom.” 

Give credit to Elon because they tried. They were hitting shots.

They were running offense.

They were tricking people.

And then?

Miami buckled down defensively and Elon went flatter than a McDonald’s Sprite left open for 24 hours in a hot Honda Civic.

The Phoenix turned the ball over so badly they legitimately threw the ball to their own bench, hitting backup players who weren’t even watching the floor anymore. They were just trying to get through the night alive.

Miami held Elon’s top scorer Chandler Cuthrell, 4th in the nation, to 13 points on 8 shots, which is basically basketball terrorism. Cuthrell for reference came into the game averaging over 24 points per game and was only allowed to shoot single digit shots which is a testament to the Hurricanes defense.

Jai Lucas had the Canes defending like they were guarding rent money.

SHELTON, TRU, DONALDSON, MALIK & DANTE — THE STARTING FIVE OF SMOKE AND CHAOSDONE.

Shelton Henderson didn’t just play basketball, he made sure everyone on the court knew he was bout to throw the book at them because he was judge, jury and executioner.

Scoring wise, the freshman was on his game hitting threes, getting to the rim and finishing the game with Eighteen points on 8-for-12 shooting.

There was an even a bogus offensive charge Elon drew on him and honestly, if his defender were 10 pounds heavier Shelton would’ve been at the line shooting two more, but it’s college right? You can’t win all the calls even when you are a freshman phenom.

Now Shelton’s jump shot looked the best it has all season in this game but defensively is genuinely where he took the cake.

Four steals, read it again.

One play really shined through the most. A one coast-to-coast robbery so blatant it should be submitted as evidence to the Miami-Dade Clerk of Courts. Henderson stripped his defender going for a drive to the rim on their baseline. Took the ball, initiated the offense (mind you he was doing this running) and drove the length of the floor and finished with contact for the score. That was instinctual , that was a play that is not taught, and can’t be easily replicated.

Meanwhile, Tru Washington rolled in with the petty revenge arc of a lifetime.

18 points + 10 rebounds.

He played like someone who refuses, REFUSES, to lose twice in the same week.

And then Tru dropped the quote of the night:

“Teams should be afraid to play us after an L.”

Sir, that is not a quote.

That is a threat.

A written warning.

A declaration of spiritual warfare.

Tre Donaldson pulled up with 18 & 5 and then said something that honestly needs to be framed in the locker room:

“We learned we’re better than we thought.”

Translation: Florida woke up a demon.

Bars. Absolute bars.

Meanwhile, Malik Reneau (17–5–4) was out there interviewing for a promotion, and Dante Allen (14 & 5) continued the Beautiful Miami Native Arc like he’s auditioning for a Netflix sports documentary.

All five starters scored in double figures, five dudes hooping like they all had separate beef with Elon.

JAI LUCAS IS COOKING SOMETHING WICKED IN CORAL GABLES.”

Miami shot 54%, hung 54 points in the paint, and outrebounded Elon 38–22.

They forced 18 turnovers and turned those into 25 points — which is just rude.

And this was all WITHOUT Ernest Udeh Jr., who missed the game with a lower body injury.

Elon coach Billy Taylor saw the issue IMMEDIATELY:

“They had even more speed… more athleticism… more pressure.”

Which you followed beautifully with:

Miami basically swapped their 6’11” center for a track team and never looked back.

Facts even Jai admitted he wanted to see if Miami could hang with the big dogs.

They can.

And now they’re just mad with stamina.