Everybody’s In a Parlay. Now the Feds Are Too.

I’ve been watching the NBA for at least three decades now, and I can proudly say this is one of the most batsh*t 72-hour stretches we’ve ever seen. No exaggeration.

Meanwhile, we’ve got a 7’4” alien dropping a 40-piece and making Anthony Davis look like a YMCA trainer. Wemby hit a reverse baseline dunk off a f**king baseline drive — I nearly threw my phone at the Flanagans wall. The “Inside the NBA” crew is now on ESPN? Sponsored by Popeyes?? ESPN, what the hell is going on.

VJ Edgecombe — yeah, the same kid people said might be better than Cooper Flagg — just dropped 34 in his debut. That’s the most in an NBA debut since Wilt f**king Chamberlain. The NBA on NBC is back. Michael Jordan popped out talking about wanting to take a “magic pill” to hoop again, and NBC is gonna microdose that interview all year long like it’s gospel. But why only three minutes long?

In the words of the great Paul Pierce

“I’m tired of getting a little taste of him. I want the whole load.”

Let’s keep it going the first game of the year was a double overtime threiller in which KD missed a free. thorw to ice the game? Kevin Durant missed a FT in the clutch? You really can t script thisup.

Oh…and the Utah Jazz are 1-0.

Now back to the biggest piece of news. The feds.

I was talking about this the other day — like literally just talking about this — and now the f**king FBI dropped a Woj bomb straight out of RICO.

Gilbert Arenas really did his job. After facing his federal charges for allegedly running an illegal gambling business from his home, he made sure he was singing in court like Nino Brown because the feds came swift with this.

And now Stephen A. Smith is doing his best Silver Surfer audition talking about “Trump is coming.”

Let me say this clearly for the dumba**es in the back: Every athlete is gambling. Every single one.

“Trump is coming. He's coming.”
byu/KeyFaithlessness5436 inNBAVibes

This isn’t some hot take. This ain’t speculation. This is federal indictment type beat.

Portland Trail Blazers coach Chauncey Billups, Damon Jones and Miami Heat guard Terry Rozier were arrested as part of a multi-year, 11-state FBI investigation into illegal gambling tied to the goddamn Mafia.

I honestly thought the mafia was as real the Kansas City Mob, or the Snell-Byrde cartel.

Funny enough, they are not making this up. They hit ‘em with the full casino movie script: X-ray tables, pre-marked cards, contacts that can read the deck, and a dude literally called “The Quarterback” who sends the cheat code via burner phone.

“Yeah, I mean, the problem is I’m still married… but I’m not gonna sit here and front like it doesn’t feel good. It feels great knowing I can still feel desired by women, even though, you know, she did this.”

That quote? That was about my wife. But I’m keeping it in. Because it fits.

The NBA wanted the thrill.

The league sold its soul for that FanDuel sponsorship money — and now the FBI’s asking for receipts.

Rozier, Billups & the Mafia’s Poker Table

It’s literally f**king insane that these are the facts we know:

Terry Rozier was arrested in Orlando, following the Heat’s game vs. the Orlando Magic. Wild because after getting a DNP where he sat on the pine, he had another one in a jail cell.  FBI agents pulled up like it was Call of Duty.

Chauncey Billups had a wild night effectively losing twice in Portland. ANthony Edwards hit a clutch dagger and then the hammer of justice hit him with a clutch dagger. 

Damon Jones (yup, that Damon Jones) got swept up too, giving information about *insert GOAT’s name here* availability on game day.

Also indicted: Eric Earnest, Marves Fairley, Shane Hennen, and Deniro f**king Laster.

All in all? 30+ people, multiple crime families, and enough shady bets to crash a sportsbook.

According to the FBI and U.S. Attorney Joseph Nocella, Billups and Jones were “face cards” in a poker scam involving the Bonanno, Gambino, and Genovese families.

Billups wasn’t coaching during the scam, but his presence at these high-roller games was meant to make the “fish” — aka the rich suckers — feel safe.

They thought they were sitting at a fair table with an NBA legend. Instead, they were getting fleeced by a table full of mobbed-up degenerates with card-reading contact lenses.

Straight up: these dudes had rigged shufflers, X-ray tables, cheating glasses, and a signal guy who relayed the best hand from an off-site command center like it was f**king Madden.

Oh, and they once robbed a guy at gunpoint just to get a cheating machine back. Can’t make this s**t up.

Terry Rozier & The $200K “Under” Play

Rozier’s situation? Even shadier.

Back in March 2023, when he was still with the Hornets, Rozier played nine minutes against the Pelicans then checked out with a “foot injury.”

The line on his unders got absolutely hammered right before the game. One bettor reportedly dropped $14K.

In total? Over $200K moved on his stat lines across multiple states — all flagged by sportsbooks.

“So what are the percentages she does this again?”

Still talking about my wife, but again — it f**king applies. Because once people taste this gambling s**t?

They do it again. And again.

Rozier’s lawyer says he’s “not a gambler.”

Cool and married me is a virgin.

The League’s Hypocrisy Is Hilarious

The NBA responded by putting Rozier and Billups on immediate leave, releasing a PR statement about “taking integrity seriously.”

Man, shut the hell up.

You plastered DraftKings logos on every halftime show. You launched betting theme nights. The Hornets had to cancel a goddamn Rozier betting promo.

You can’t sell the league to gamblers, then act shocked when the players cash in. This is what happens when you build your house on unders and parlays.

That’s what I said. Verbatim. And I meant it.

Everybody knows athletes bet. The league knows. The books know. Hell, even the feds knew — they just had to wait for the Quarterback to text the cheat code.

This ain’t isolated.

Rozier’s case came from the same FBI probe that got Jontay Porter banned for life — also for “unders” and “injuries.”

They’re all running the same playbook: insider info, burner phones, shady bets, fake injuries, and a couple homies in crypto chat groups placing the tickets.

This Ain’t the NBA. It’s FanDuel After Dark With the Feds on the Line

“I kind of still hate her. I mean, I kind of do.”

Talking about my ex again. But this time?

I’m talking about the NBA.

Because I loved this league. I still do.

But it’s becoming a scam — one rigged parlay and Mafia poker night at a time.

And now?

Everybody’s in a parlay.

And now the feds are too.